Monday, July 21, 2014

Coaxing Characters into Life

This is the work of a writer.

To take the daydream, the real and the honest and make note of it. To compose with words the stories of life which comes from the characters who live it. Some of them I know personally and some I dream up but when they collide with paper they must be coaxed to into breathing the words of a written language. I must apply the verbs and adjectives to give them shape. Inhaling as a noun and exhaling an unfolding drama, their story.

It is the only way to share with the reader.

Monday, May 12, 2014

"How to Become a Regular"

In a world of people, it's nice to dine among friends. And in a world of know how, no matter is too simple to be overlooked. In an effort to bridge these two ideas, I present:

"How to become a Regular*" 
A Guide for making Food Service Professionals your friends. 

Step One: Go to eatery, diner or coffee shop at least once a week. Try to schedule visits on the same days and/or around the same time of day.

Step Two: Speak cordially to the staff. Use good manners and smile.

Step Three: After an incident, which has made you both laugh, introduce yourself. (Optional: Phone it in.)

Step Four: Repeat Steps One and Two (and Three if need be) until Food Service Professionals have learned your order/likes and dislikes.

Step Five: Never change your order/tastes. Bear in mind you are not the only regular.

Step Six: Enjoy! (Keep repeating Step Two)


Well, there is it. Simple as counting on both hands. Now, get out there and be a regular. Or are you one already?


*Please read the title carefully, lest "a regular" becomes "irregular." Yet, to be thorough keep this in mind: To become irregular eat more cheese. 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Some Spring Workout Inspiration

For awhile now, I have been writing rules for fitness.  I hope they inspire you to new athletic feats. Here are the first 20. Their wisdom is in no particular order. ;)

Lazy Athlete Rule #1: Never do anything to become strong, faster or better. #keepthestatusquo
Lazy Athlete Rule #2: Stay away from people who might encourage you to break Rule #1 while working out.
Lazy Athlete Rule #3: Quit the gym.
Lazy Athlete Rule #4: Sweating is gross, especially in the summer months. Avoid it.
Lazy Athlete Rule #5: Only enter events you know you will win.
Lazy Athlete Rule #6: Flashier shoes make you look like you are running faster. I suggest Bedazzling them.
Lazy Athlete Rule #7: Always put off until tomorrow what you don't want to do today. #abs
Lazy Athlete Rule #8: Keep in mind that planks are only the boards which make the floor of a ship. And people are not boats. ;)
Lazy Athlete Rule #9: Injuries allow you to quit exercising. No pain, no gain.
Lazy Athlete Rule #10: Call breaks from working out "resting." It sounds better than slacking.
Lazy Athlete Rule #11: The less you workout the less you will feel like it and vise versa. See Newton's Laws of Motion.
Lazy Athlete Rule #12: The only part of your workout which should truly require "umph" is blowing your nose. #snotrocket
Lazy Athlete Rule #13: Wear athletic clothes whenever possible. It makes you look and feel sporty. You're also ready to workout instantly.
Lazy Athlete Rule #14: Only commit to training halfheartedly, you don't want to overdo it.
Lazy Athlete Rule #15: Reading about others athletic feats is close enough to doing them. You’d better take the day off.  
Lazy Athlete Rule #16: If the temperatures outside are below zero, just existing whether inside or out, counts for the day's exercise.
Lazy Athlete Rule #17: Daydreaming about working out can count for as much of half of the actual exercise time. #mentaltraining
Lazy Athlete Rule #18: Take fitness advice from anyone who shares it. "I only stretch, like lions. Look how fit they are."
Lazy Athlete Rule #19: Put Icy Hot on before you run. It saves your time after and wards the creeps off at the gym. #yousmellgreat
Lazy Athlete Rule #20: Make sure the number of times you participate in athletic activity in a year can be counted on one hand.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Voters Unite!

To My Fellow Americans,

Looking ahead to the Presidential Elections of 2016, a thought has dawned on me. Perhaps, it is time for a new way to chose the president of our country. Instead of debates, endless propaganda, and mixed messages via social interest groups and political parties, I would like to propose another idea.

First, I suggest we do away with the archaic Electoral College. It's perennial ungraduates must be sacrificed to make way for a more modern approach.

Second, all qualified and interested candidates need to apply for the process (soon to be outlined). Please see the Constitutional Requirements for application parameters.

Third, each candidate will have five minutes of un-interrupted "air time" to present campaign platform.

Fourth, let the Games begin! Each candidate will participate in the new election process. Nearly every reality show draws more votes from the American people than polls on election day. It is time to turn the process over to everyone with a phone.

The Games will be as follows: 2 tributes from each district...wait wrong games.

These Games will require each candidate to participate in various challenges based on existing/former reality shows. They will include but are not limited to Survivor, Dancing with the Stars, Punk'd, The Amazing Race, America's Next Top ModelThe Apprentice, American Idol, Master Chef, The Weakest Link, etc.
At the end of each challenge a vote will occur. After the competition is complete, the top two candidates will become President and Vice President, respectively. (They are not required to share political ideals or party.)
These Games would last for as long as it takes to eliminate all unworthy candidates and/or they remain entertaining. Should the Games become boring before two candidates are remaining the process will default back to the already established mode.

Therefore, vote my Fellow Americans and let your voice be heard. If we must chose a leader, the selection process might as well entertain us!

If you agree please dial or text. 1800555PREZ! (Don't really that isn't a real number but you get the idea.)

Whose's with me?

Sincerely,

Voter with a Phone

Monday, March 17, 2014

In the little things, God is at work.

            I left the bookstore a bit dejected because the novel I wanted was more than my used book budget could handle. I soothed my angst with the purchase of three other books for the same price and decided I would get it another time. I drove from the bookstore to the mall for other errands, stopping at the ATM as I entered. I smiled at my wise decision to save myself a trip later.  However, my visit to the mall was fruitless in every area but one: the reminder of why I avoid it.
            Ready to go home I returned to my car and began the trip. While at a red light a sign for a new thrift shop caught my eye and I decided on a whim to stop. Naturally, I was draw quickly to its used book section and low and behold the book I had wanted was there for a faction of the price. Thrilled at my find I scooped it up. At the register I continued my rejoicing when it was discounted even further. However, as I paid I saw that the place my debit card usually resides was empty. A surge of anxiety quickly replaced my excitement.
            Returning to my car I searched for the car in my bag and wallet to no avail. I began to mental retrace my steps of the morning and realized that I had to return to the dreaded mall. The ATM sat adjacent to the actual bank and perhaps they had my card. I hurried back letting my imagination wander to the way someone could be using my card for fancy clothes or vacations. As I arrived at the doors of the bank I was comforted by the fact the funds in my account are minimal.  Yet, another surge of anxiety raced through me as I found the branch closed for the day.
            Resolving to call or find another bank to help me I march past the blur of teens and couples casually taking in the sights of the crowded center of commerce. I wonder how anyone could be calm at a time like this before I remembered I was alone in my crisis. After walking the distance of the mall and parking lot, I attempted to call the bank but my tiny phone screen lead me to no options for help. So I drove to the next closest branch only to find it closed, as well. Thankfully, the grocer next to it has a small branch of the same back within it.
            By this point my face was flushed as I burst past the Girl Scouts in the store lobby to arrive at the bank front within the store walls. All the lights were out yet one loan teller was behind the counter. Timidly approaching I asked, “Are you closed?”
“Yes,” he said kindly.
I ventured, “Can I ask you just one question, is there anyway to tell if the ATM or someone else has my card?”
“No…but I can put your account on hold until you can call the bank tomorrow.”
My sigh of relief nearly blew the man over. “Thank you!”
He took my driver’s licenses and manipulated the computer to do his bidding though the bank was technically closed. My relief grew into exhaustion as my panic subsided. “Thank you,” I said again.
He smiled and asked, “You know we are offering a great rate on our credit cards right now.”
I said no thank you as politely as possible. He humbly took my rejection and confirmed that my funds were temporarily safe. Thanking him again I returned to my car recounting the events which brought me to this place. If I hadn’t stopped at the thrift shop I would not have found the book nor would I have known my card was missing. I could have been days before I discovered its absence. Now all I have to do it wait until tomorrow and see if I must cancel my card or if the bank branch at the mall has it. Either way a serious crisis has been averted. Praise God!